Growing into Myself

Assignment 1.1

Writing this paper has been an eclipse. Reading my classmate essay has shown me that it is very hard for me to share personal things about myself. It was a time of “Fire” by the Ohio Players and Jaws. The eclipses in my life had come back to back. Similar to Dillard they were “Total Eclipse”, and my knowledge could not be used as a reference.

And, at times, I wonder if I am still recovering. I felt the total eclipse when I was betrayed by my internal family. I call it the Ultimate Betrayal. I often ask myself why me. Why do I have to go through so much in life? I look deep, to understand, what is it, I’m to learn. I ask myself, what is it, what is the lesson? Looking and looking, what am I to see? "Only an extraordinary act of will could recall to us our former, living selves and our contexts in matter and time". (163)

During those moments of pressure, I wait for the sun light to appear. Where is my sun light? When will the change come? When will the change come of being a part of the loving unit of family? I never wanted to be the outsider; it was pressed upon me. Pressed by those who are supposed to protect me and encourage me. "We no sooner saw it than it was upon us". (169)

When will change come? I waited but no change. I reconsider but no change. I have grown up and out of ignorance and no change. "We have so masered the transition we have forgotten we ever learned it. Yet, it is a transition we make a hundred times a day, as, like so many will-less dolphins, we plunge and surface, lapse and emerge. We live half our waking lives and all of our sleeping lives in some private, useless, and insensible waters we never mention or recall. Useless, I say. Valueless, I might add - until someone hauls their wealth up to the surface and into the wide-awake city, in a form that people can us". (168) Now it is time to change myself and to walk me, to talk me and be me. There is no time to be subjective to negative energy, no more being the outsider. The change has come of being set free.

I can see a glimpse of the sun rising.